The Swan Song
by Ani101
Summary: Songfic oneshot for Within Temptation's 'The Swan Song'. I OWN NOTHING. Sam's thoughts and feelings throughout the episode Swan Song.


**I found this amazing song...which has the same title as the Supernatural episode! So I had to write a songfic for it, for Sam of course so it's his POV all the way through...hope you like it! The song is **_**The Swan Song**_** by Within Temptation, only I did mess with the verse structure a little...anyway! So just a short oneshot based on the song and the episode...not connected to **_**The Darkling Guard**_** which I'm still posting, as well!**

**The Swan Song**

_**Winter has come for me**_

_**Can't carry on**_

What am I planning to do? I'm crazy...I can't do this. I can't. I've done so much...come so far. Are all the mistakes, all the lessons I've made...just there to be thrown away? I don't understand. I don't understand a world that makes this necessary. I can't. I _can't_. What if I fail? Then Lucifer gets my body and I watch him devastate the world. For good. _Apocalypse_. My fault.

I can't fail. This is madness. I can't do this. Can't end my life this way, whatever it's worth.

_**The chains to my life are strong**_

_**But soon they'll be gone**_

_**I'll spread my wings one more time**_

I look to the side at Dean. He's determinedly not looking at me-we're in the Impala driving to Detroit and I know he's hurting like crazy. How could he not be? After all this...after all we've been through. I couldn't help being...different. It changed in Cold Oak, I know. I _died_. I died! And Dean...God, I can't stand to think about it.

I came back. It would've been better for everyone if I'd just stayed dead where I belonged. I _was_ different. I felt it-some kind of darkness. Anger. I couldn't help it, sometimes it scared me. When I saw Jake...it all kind of welled up. I killed him. I shot him, so many times...I didn't feel anything, at the time. And then I looked down at him and I thought-this isn't me. Who am I? Who have I become?

I understood, when Dean told me the truth.

I came back slightly different. I still don't know how, or why, but something changed inside me. Maybe just me. Maybe that was it...

And I lost Dean. I tried so hard to save him, so hard. I should have sold my own soul back for his. I could've, before it was too late, I bet. And then I'd be in hell getting what I deserve and Dean'd get over losing me, eventually. Why didn't it work out that way? Easy. Past. I would never have had to feel what I did. I couldn't take it without Dean. I couldn't. I wanted to die. There was nothing left...he's a better person than me, always has been. I've always known it. Know it especially now. I remember...in the car on the way to his death at Lilith's hands, he kept on reassuring me, his little brother he had to protect even from the pain of his own death. But no-one could ever protect me, no-one could ever save me. I know that now. He put on that one Bon Jovi song and we sang along like we meant it, like we'd live forever, and I thought despite everything-it'll be okay. The world can't take Dean away from me. And all the while his heart must have been shattering inside and yet he was trying to cheer his kid brother up one last time. And I didn't notice...

Ruby saved me then. Only to manipulate me into doing...terrible things. My fault. All my fault. And even she only betrayed me. There was never anyone I could really count on except Dean, and how did I thank him? Our whole lives, I've only hurt him.

It just hurts so bad. But I'm relishing the pain. It could be one of the last things I ever feel in this world. Will be, if this works.

I must be insane. But what else can I do? I let Lucifer out of the cage, stupid arrogant fool that I am. It's all on me to put him back in. And I can't afford to be scared.

Can I go through hell to right the wrongness, the curse, the horror that my entire life has become?

Dean did it. And he was innocent, not like me. He just wanted his brother back.

I will do this. I have to. The price is no more than I deserve to pay.

One last chance. One last act. To defeat destiny. To _not_ be who I was born to be. If I win then Dean and me will be free...even if I'll be in hell. We'll be free. And he deserves that.

_**In my heart I know**_

_**I can let go**_

_**In the end I will find**_

_**Some peace tonight**_

_**New wings are growing tonight**_

I'm facing him and I know I seem steadfast, brave. But I've never been so scared in my life, never. I'm staring into those eyes and I'm thinking-is this the last time I'll ever be me? I'm thinking-what if I fail? And I'm saying it: "Yes." One word that could destroy everything.

And I'm saying goodbye. To everything. Mom. Jess. Dad. Everyone else who's died...The world. I'm saying-sorry. Goodbye. But most of all I'm saying it to Dean-so much I don't have words for it. Goodbye. It's over. This is the last time you will see your little brother, the last time I'll be here for you. I am so, so sorry that we live in a world where I have to do this.

And then His smile, light and pain and terror. I'm losing it-I can feel him clawing his way into my head and I'm screaming silently, it hurts too bad to make a sound. And suddenly the light is gone and I'm looking out and the vortex is swirling before me, so big and black and the first thing I feel is panic. And then pain as I begin to fight-like hell. Dean's pulling me up off the ground, supporting me, I wasn't aware I had fallen...I'm fighting him so hard...I can't...hold...him..._no_-

"Sammy! Sammy?"

I'm screaming, I think. "I can feel him-"

And I'm falling. Falling inside my own self, my own mind. I've lost and I'm gone. I hear Him speak those words and I know that I have just blown my final chance.

"I was just messing with you. Sammy's long gone."

_I'm_ long gone. My wings are broken and I'm falling, falling at last.

_**Is it a dream?**_

A dream that I'm sitting here trapped inside my own body and I'm surrounded by the mangled bodies of people I once loved. People I killed. Lucifer killed. But I'm not sure there's any difference any more.

It has to be a dream. A nightmare.

_**Is it a dream?**_

_**All the ones that I've loved**_

_**Calling out my name**_

They're trying so hard to reach me. Bobby. Cas. _Dean_. It seems unreal, I'm so deep down. Like drowning in a black sea, barely looking out through eyes that were once my own but now I can't even blink. I remember when Meg possessed me, years ago. It was like this-but even then I felt like I had a chance. Now-I'm lost and I'm fading. He's far too strong, too much for someone as weak and as much of a failure as me.

I see Michael-Adam, my kid brother-vanish in the flames. I see Castiel explode and I see Bobby smash to the ground and I start screaming again as he starts killing the ones I love-as _I_ kill them, I feel them die in my hands. I know Lucifer can hear me. I know. But it's nothing to him. I'm puny, useless, nothing. Weak. A shade.

Powerless.

_Didn't I go through enough to be strong_? _Didn't I sacrifice enough?_

And it's Dean he's hurting, Dean he's smashing into little pieces and I'm fighting so hard...so hard but I'm nothing. I need a reason, something to hold on to, anything-

"Sam, it's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you. I'm not gonna leave you!"

But I'm not worth your faith or your love, Dean. I can't be who you want me to be, even now at the end. I can't do it, no matter how hard I try. I have failed, once and for all. And then-that tiny green toy soldier, springing into my enhanced vision at random. I barely remember shoving the thing in there, I can't have been more than four. But now-suddenly-I'm seeing it and holding on like it's a lifeline, and Lucifer's weakening, suddenly, so slowly, but somehow-

_**The sun warms my face**_

_**All the days of my life**_

_**I see them passing me by**_

It's flashing. Flashing! My life-every memory I have-flashing before my eyes like they say it does just before you die. I can see it-remember it. It's strong enough. Bright enough. And Lucifer can't fight this because no-one is as strong as what Dean and me have. Screwed up and dysfunctional, maybe. But powerful. Powerful enough, and nothing can be as strong or as enduring as the love between brothers, I've learned that much over these terrible years. I recognise myself in my past, with him. How I've changed. How I've lost...so much, been so much, done such terrible things...and all the way through it...Dean was there for me. Dean who lies broken and shattered beneath my fists, on the hood of the car that's always been our true home.

Always there for me.

And it's strong enough.

_I'm_ strong enough. Just this once.

_**As I am soaring I'm one with the wind**_

_**I am longing to see you again**_

_**It's been so long**_

_**We will be together again**_

I unclench my fist. It's so easy. I don't understand how easy. But it's like that. Takes nothing. _My_ fist. I stumble back and I'm reeling with the enormity of it. I have him. I'm holding him. And this time I will not fail.

It's not too late. I won't let it be.

"It's okay, Dean. It's gonna be okay. I've got him."

_**Is it a dream?**_

_**All the ones that I've loved**_

_**Calling out my name**_

I reach out and I throw the rings down onto the grass and I hear myself gasp out the words. I'm fighting again, within, but this time it's different. It's like, just for once, I'm stronger. Strong enough. I'm shaking, I'm fighting. The wind rises, whirling and icy, the winds of hell, I see the vortex open at my feet, plunging away down into nothingness, a black and roaring horror, and it's my destiny. They've told me, all my life, what my destiny should be. Dad. Azazel. Ruby. The angels. Lucifer. Now I'm deciding for myself. And this is what I deserve, this is where it's all be leading. Visions and demon blood, mistakes and crimes, death and pain and suffering-right from the beginning, this is what I was born to do-and nobody's telling me that but me. They didn't think I could. But I can.

And I will.

Not for the angels who've hurt my family so badly. Not for a God I used to love, and who doesn't give a damn.

For this sorry, beautiful world. For my mother who only wanted to save the man she loved, and for Dad who just wanted to protect me. For Dean who couldn't just let me die.

Michael grasps my arm; I didn't even see him arrive. He's shouting in my ear-I hear the words that would once have meant so much.

"I have to fight my brother, Sam! It's my destiny!"

But no-one should ever have to fight their own brother. And if destiny says otherwise, then destiny's wrong.

_**The sun warms my face**_

_**All the days of my life**_

_**I see them passing me by...**_

And I lift my head and I look into the sky for the last time, see the sun shining, feel its warmth on my face. And this is right. I don't want to go, don't want to leave Dean here alone. But it's right, and I'm not afraid any more. This is the end. I step forwards, pulling Michael with me, and the sun swoops away as I fall downwards into the darkness of Lucifer's cage, plummeting through the vortex and away into the nothing with a strange, final kind of grace. I hear the wild winds screaming in my ears-my eyes are forced shut.

But all I'm thinking, all I can feel or believe-that just this once, I have not failed my brother. I haven't failed Dean.

**Well, I hope you liked that! I just tried to capture Sam's thoughts, and I hope it worked...I haven't done anything in the first person for him before...I'd really love to know what you think of this!**


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